NOT SURE IF DRUNK OR JUST SLEEP DEPRIVED

real life problems.

“tonight is the night” is an ominous ass thing to hear from the person pouring you drinks.

meanwhile…

i haven’t slept in 36 hours and my coteacher is trying to get me drunk. he told me tonight is the night and to just have study periods tomorrow instead of trying to run a class. mercy.

imma put it on her

a few years ago, i had this huge crush on a girl. she was volunteering at a non-profit that my ad agency was doing a pro-bono project for. we were in the board room and she came in late, and i think i stared at her with my mouth open for like 13 seconds. we spent a lot of time together doing shoots for this project that turned out to be way more than we thought. i did not mind. she was awesome. she wasn’t especially funny, but she thought i was and she had the most amazing, infectious smile. i was smitten.

at this point in my life, i had only been in one disastrous situation with a woman, so i was so green. i probably still am actually. anyway, the last day of the project she said we should have lunch and it turned into a 3 hour thing. we just really liked talking to each other. 

anyway, i was trying to figure out how she felt about things and work up the courage to tell her how i felt. and for some reason, i got really into “imma put it on her” by day 26. i would listen to it on repeat while i was running — back when i was in awesome shape and ran like 6 miles a day. there was a part that said “i hope she ready cause she about to get it” and man, i got my life on that! i just knew i was gonna give it to her. less knowing and more hopelessly wanting to, though. 

so i invited her to my house one night to have dinner and watch a TV show we both were obsessed with at the time. i thought it was pretty smooth. the day of, i’m at publix getting food and i meet this other girl who was seriously flirting with me and gave me her number. i was on 10 because that had never happened to me before. right afterward, my crush texted me to tell me she had been fighting being sick and thought she’d feel better, but she had to raincheck our date. (i was kinda hype about her use of the word “date”)

so i texted my friend expressing my disappointment and telling her that i got this other girl’s number and saying some other mannish shit. so of course i accidentally sent it to my crush. she was nice about it but after that i was so embarrassed that i lost my nerve.

the outcome of that situation ending up being:

• nothing ever happened between me and my crush
• i didn’t hit save on the publix girl’s number so i lost that
• “imma put it on her” was the number 1 played song in my itunes for several years

so yeah. the end.

darkeningx:

I talk to you
in very much the same way 
I try to drink my coffee
before it turns cold

i must still want this…

…because even the thought of pulling it off makes something flutter in my chest.

dear sleep…

i’ve been thinking about you…
wait.
i wanted to start this differently.
i miss you.
no.
that’s not right.
i mean, it is. but it’s not what i really want to say.
i want you.
that’s it.
i want you.
maybe you can come lie with me
we could occupy this space together.
fill this room with nothing
you could kiss my eyelids and press your head against my chest
and i could just be
here
but wholly not.